if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
