and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
