I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
