he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
