When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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