Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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