Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
