The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
