Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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