Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
