I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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