How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
