Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we're making bets on your personal life
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
