Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
