I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
