sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
