Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
