i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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