Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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