her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
