I just saw a hot homeless man
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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