at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
