I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
