I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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