a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Are my feet made of real feet?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
