i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
