Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.