I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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