So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sobbing to NWA
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
