Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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