sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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