If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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