I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
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unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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