When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
