OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
