Yo dont text me then not text me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
