The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
