nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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