Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
