Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
