The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
