I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
