Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
