i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
