Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
