Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
