I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
