I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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