I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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