i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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