I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
two words...techno handjob
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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