Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
