In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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