I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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