Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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