I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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