I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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