he fucked my hip out of place.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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