When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
