Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
please don't ironically join a cult
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