So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
