Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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